I have been sick with some flu/sinus infection for the past two weeks so I havn't been on this page at all as of late. BUT I would like to say that thanks to some second-hand antibiotics given to me by a very dear friend, I am feeling a whole lot better :)
Monday through Friday I have school. I really do like school, because I like learning, but it seems that everytime I arrive on campus I feel really frustrated and weighed down. Perhaps part of the reason is because I am constantly almost late to my morning classes because I never can gauge the amount of time i need quite right (yes, somedays I am that wierd kid who run-walks to class). I can't help but feel, however, that the main reason I feel flusterd is something much bigger.
My whole life I think I kept planning everything up till college. For some bizzare reason, I grew up thinking that somehow everything would just come together when i got to college like it seemed it did for everyone else:
* Everyone gets super excited about thier majors
* And "grow as adults" (whatever that means)
* And somehow manage to find thier spouse (thier first one at least... ._. ) among the thousands of people they ran into everyday by the time they got their graduate degrees
Looking back it seems that I thought it would all just kinda fall into place. Now that I'm living the part of life I had always coveted, I feel really confused about everthing.
My approach to life reminds me of what a lot of players do in the video game Zelda: Occarina Of Time. There is an area in the game called The Lost Woods, and as the name so indicates, it is really easy to get "lost" and sent back to the entrance of the woods. To prevent getting lost, I would always get really close to the tunnels that connect each part of the forest and peer into the tunnel hopeing to see a hazy view of the next area before i just lumberd on in. If you only see black in the tunnel, you would surely get lost.
Similarly, whenever I have an idea about what and who I want to be, I find myself inching toward the door hoping to see some kind of promise of a future on the other side. When the hazy vission isnt keen enough for me to feel comfortable making a decission, I just do nothing at all. I feel like I'm stuck in the same area of the forest because I am too afraid to pick a direction and just run with it. I am afriad of starting it all over if I mess up. So I spend a lot of time running in circles, and then I spend a lot of time hating myself for running in circles. I find stupid ways to justify my stubborness. In the end, I do things that hurt myself and become hypercritical of what the people I care about do to make up for all of the stuff I can't do right.
The real issue is that I am arrogant, stubborn, and love to listen to the lies I feed myself which falsley justify the things I do and say. I am afraid to commit to things because I am afriad of losing them, or messing them up. I don't have the apthy I once had, but I can't seem to let go of the sameold baggage.
And you know it's all so silly,
Because I know that it has to be the right choice if I feel God leading me there! But I keep playing the music of my life so loud that I can't hear the soft whisper that leads me to where I need to be. All I seem to do is wallow in a pile of stale man-produced bread crumbs that lead me absolutley nowhere.
It's so easy
and so hard to let go.
Somedays God, like Navi the annoying helper in the Zelda games, keeps yelling in my ear
“HEY! Listen!"
And gives me a super obvious hint about where I should go next. But as soon as I get next to the dim tunnel I’m like “I don’t know Man… this square plot of woods isn’t so bad, and the music is kinda catchy!” and just waste time swinging around some tiny sword like I’m someone important when everything I’m meant to be is waiting on the other side of the woods.
I want to leave the woods, but I need God’s help. I have to leave my sword swinging hostility toward God’s will at the entrance to the woods, because as long as I’m shooting my juvenile slingshot at the sky and blinding myself with Deku nuts I can’t ever be where God needs me to be:
Following Him.
Love :) Amaymay
Love :) Amaymay
